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You have more influence than you think. Here’s how to use it
If you have a teenager, chances are you’ve wondered whether they’re drinking. You’re not being paranoid. More than 80% of teens have tried alcohol by age 14. And the earlier a teen starts drinking, the greater the chance they’ll develop a problem with it later in life.
You matter here. Research shows that parents are one of the biggest influences on whether and how teens drink. Your relationship with your child, the rules you set, and the conversations you have all make a real difference.
Why Teens Drink
Teens don’t drink just to defy you. Experimentation is a normal part of growing up. Many teens associate alcohol with being grown-up. Drinking may feel normal in their friend group. Alcohol is everywhere in movies, ads, and social media, and it’s usually shown as fun and glamorous.
Some teens are at higher risk than others. Watch for signs of emotional struggles, disconnection from family or school, behavioral problems, or a family history of alcohol issues. Teens facing these challenges are more likely to drink heavily and to binge drink.
Why Teen Drinking Is Different
Alcohol hits teens harder than adults. The teen brain is still developing, which makes it more vulnerable to damage from alcohol. Teens also have lower physical tolerance, so alcohol affects them faster and more intensely.
The short-term risks are serious:
- Accidents, falls, and risky behavior. Teens who binge drink are far more likely to get hurt.
- Violence and sexual assault. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and puts teens at greater risk of being harmed or harming others.
- Suicide and self-harm. Heavy drinking intensifies depression and anxiety, and makes teens more likely to act on dangerous impulses.
The long-term risks matter too. Teens who drink are more likely to develop alcohol dependence, depression, and social problems like dropping out of school or unemployment. Alcohol also causes physical damage over time, including liver disease and brain injury.
Delay the First Drink as Long as You Can
The longer your teen waits to drink, the better. Kids under 15 face the greatest risk of harm from alcohol, and the recommendation is clear: no drinking before 15, and for teens 15 to 17, delay as long as possible.
You can teach your teen about responsible drinking without handing them a drink. If they bring it up when they’re older than 15, explain that waiting is worth it. Curiosity doesn’t mean readiness.
Model What You Want to See
Your teen watches how you drink. Your attitude about alcohol, how much you drink, and when, all shape their behavior. Telling them not to drink while coming home drunk from a party undercuts everything you’re trying to say.
A few habits that make a real difference:
- Limit your drinking, especially in front of your kids.
- Turn down a drink sometimes. Let them see you do it.
- Never drink and drive, and don’t let other adults drive drunk.
- Don’t frame alcohol as a stress reliever. Saying “I’ve had a terrible day, I need a drink” teaches your teen that alcohol fixes problems.
How to Actually Talk to Your Teen About Alcohol
Talking about alcohol with your teen doesn’t have to feel like a confrontation. The goal is a conversation, not a lecture.
Before the talk
Know your facts. Look up what alcohol actually does to a developing brain. Think about your own attitudes toward drinking. Ask yourself: is there an age where you think it’s acceptable for your teen to try alcohol? Be ready for hard questions, because they’ll come.
During the talk
Pick a relaxed moment. Sit down with them when neither of you is stressed or rushed. Keep your tone calm. If they say something that bothers you, don’t react with anger. Stay curious.
Ask what they think about alcohol and why they think teens drink. Listen without interrupting. Nod, ask follow-up questions, repeat phrases back to show you’re paying attention. You’ll learn a lot.
What to cover
- The facts: their brain is still growing and alcohol damages it more at their age than it would later.
- The short-term risks that teens actually care about: embarrassing yourself, making bad decisions, getting hurt.
- The myth that “everyone’s doing it.” Many teens don’t drink, and your teen deserves to know that.
- Drink spiking: someone can add alcohol or drugs to any drink, even a non-alcoholic one.
- Drunk driving: make it a firm rule that they never get in a car with a driver who’s been drinking. Tell them you’ll pick them up, no questions asked.
Keep talking. This isn’t a one-time conversation. Come back to the topic as your teen gets older and situations change.
Set Clear Family Rules
Rules work best when your teen helps create them. Sit down together and talk through expectations. Be specific: no alcohol in the house when adults aren’t home, tell us where you’re going and who you’ll be with, call us if plans change.
Make sure both parents back each other up. Inconsistency is the fastest way to lose credibility with a teenager.
When rules are broken, follow through calmly. Explain why the consequence fits, make clear that you still love them, and stay consistent. Revisit the rules as your teen earns more trust and shows more maturity.
Know Where Your Teen Is
Teens drink more when adults aren’t around. Knowing where your teen is, what they’re doing, and who they’re with isn’t snooping. It’s parenting.
Before they go out, ask:
- Where are you going, and who will be there?
- What time will you be home?
- How are you getting there and getting back?
- Will you call me if your plans change?
If a party comes up, call the host. Find out whether adults will be there and whether alcohol will be present. Get a name and number. Most teens appreciate that their parents care enough to check. That’s not embarrassing. That’s love.
Help Your Teen Handle Peer Pressure
Friends are a powerful force in the teen years. Your teen is more likely to drink if their friends do. But your relationship with your teen still outweighs peer influence, especially if it’s a strong one.
Get to know their friends. Invite them over. Talk with them. Help your teen think about what really matters in a friend: kindness, loyalty, integrity. Popularity isn’t a value.
Practice “no” with them before they need it. Role-play situations where someone offers them a drink. Help them find responses that feel natural and don’t make them look weak. Remind them that the decision is theirs alone, not their friends’.
If Your Teen Drinks Anyway
Despite your best efforts, it may happen. Many teens drink at some point, and most of them don’t develop alcohol problems. Don’t catastrophize, but don’t ignore it either.
If they come home drunk, wait until they’re sober to talk. Then stay calm and let them tell their side. Use “I” statements: “I felt scared when I didn’t know where you were” lands differently than “You’re a liar.” Focus on the behavior, not the person.
Watch for warning signs that drinking is becoming a pattern:
- Repeated health complaints or changes in sleep
- Mood changes, especially irritability or withdrawal
- Slipping grades or frequent absences from school
- New friend groups and dropping old ones
If you see several of these signs together, talk to your doctor. These can point to other problems too, so it’s worth getting a professional opinion.
The Best Protection Is Your Relationship
No strategy on this list works without a foundation of trust and connection. Teens with close, supportive relationships with their parents are less likely to drink, more likely to follow rules, and more likely to come to you when something goes wrong.
Spend time with them. Eat dinner together when you can. Ask about things they care about and actually listen. Praise their efforts, not just their results. Tell them you love them. Let them solve their own problems sometimes, but make it clear you’re there when they need you.
And if you’re struggling with any of this, ask for help. Talking to a family doctor, counselor, or therapist doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re paying attention.
—Chris Aiken, MD
Director, Psych Partners
Editor in Chief, Carlat Psychiatry Report
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Nearly 50 million Americans care for a loved one at home. Here’s what you need to know about the hard conversations, the honest moments, and looking after yourself
One day, the person you love starts to struggle. Maybe it’s forgetting where they put the keys, or needing help getting dressed, or not being safe alone in the kitchen. And suddenly, you’re a caregiver.
Close to 49 million Americans are in that same position right now. They’re spouses, adult children, siblings, and friends who show up day after day to help someone they love manage daily life. It’s one of the most meaningful things a person can do. It’s also one of the hardest.
This guide covers the conversations that matter most, and how to have them.
How to Start the Conversation
Talking about what your loved one needs can feel awkward. You can see what help is needed. Bringing it up is the tricky part.
Start by asking what they think. Let them tell you what feels hard. A simple opener works well: “I’ve noticed it’s been harder for you to do certain things. Can we talk about that?”
If they push back or refuse help, don’t go it alone. A doctor, a trusted family friend, or a geriatric care manager can step in and carry some of that weight. Sometimes a person listens more readily to a doctor than to a family member, and that’s okay. Use whatever works.
Some doctors, especially geriatricians, will schedule a family meeting to talk through care needs together. Social workers can also help organize those conversations and lay out the options.
Plan Ahead Before You Have To
The best time to talk about future care is before there’s a crisis. Once someone’s health takes a sharp turn, decisions get made under pressure. That’s when things fall through the cracks.
Try bringing it up as something you read about, something in the news, or something a friend is going through. “I was reading about Medicaid planning today. Have you ever thought about any of that?” It’s a low-pressure way to open a door.
The topics worth covering include nursing home care, insurance, finances, and end-of-life wishes. These feel uncomfortable to raise. They’re far worse to navigate later without any plan.
Be Sensitive to What They’re Carrying
In many families, money and health are private matters. Parents don’t always talk to their children about these things, even when those children are grown adults.
One way to make it easier: share your own concerns first. Talk about your financial future before asking about theirs. Bring up your own thoughts on end-of-life decisions before asking what they want. When you make yourself vulnerable first, the other person often follows.
You may find your loved one is relieved to talk. Putting difficult feelings into words, rather than carrying them alone, is often a genuine comfort.
The Hardest Conversations
Some topics feel impossible. Telling someone they shouldn’t drive anymore. Saying that staying home is no longer safe. Raising the idea of a nursing home.
These conversations hurt everyone at the table.
Even so, soft-pedaling the truth creates bigger problems later. Making promises you can’t keep, or suggesting a nursing home stay is “just temporary” when it isn’t, sets up a moment of betrayal that’s hard to come back from.
A better approach: be honest about what you can and can’t do and acknowledge the loss out loud. Something like: “I know this is painful to talk about. But I can’t provide everything you need on my own anymore, and I worry about you constantly. I want us to find a place where you’ll be safe and well cared for.”
That kind of honesty stings. But it respects the person in front of you, and it holds the relationship together in a way that false promises don’t.
Give your loved one time to grieve. These are real losses. Moving toward a decision takes more than one conversation.
When They Choose Something That Worries You
Sometimes a loved one makes a choice you think is unsafe. They want to stay home alone. They won’t accept help. They insist on a level of independence that scares you. That’s human. People often trade a certain amount of safety for the ability to make their own choices.
If you’re genuinely concerned about their judgment, a doctor can evaluate whether they have the cognitive capacity to understand the consequences of their decisions. If they do have that capacity, their choices stand, whether you agree with them or not.
This is one of the harder parts of caregiving. You can advocate, offer information, and express concern. But you can’t always override someone else’s decision about their own life.
Resources That Can Help
Teepa Snow (teepasnow.com) offers free videos, a free iBook called “Dementia: A Practical Guide for Caregivers,” and an app called Dementia Assist that walks caregivers through how to respond to specific behaviors.
Caregiving is hard work, and most of it goes unnoticed. But it matters enormously to the person receiving it, and to everyone who loves them.
—Chris Aiken, MD
Director, Psych Partners
Editor in Chief, Carlat Psychiatry Report
What’s Your Take? Share in Comments
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